ginnyvos: Tiana (Butterfly dreaming)
Random Note:  Colds suck. Big time. I'm going dancing anyway, so there!

This was written in the first place as a response to an entry by [ profile] scribblemoose, who, in my opinion, is one of the better writers out there. It was about writing, and how the pull of being a professional writer some day was gone, and how she didn't miss writing so much as the urge to write, which is something I can relate with very much. In the end it turned into one of those huge things that spin out of control and you're embarassed to spam others with... So I decided to edit it a bit and put it here.

I think the observation of missing the urge to write more than the writing itself is pretty accurate to be honest. I think I'm quite the same. I really miss that unending flow of ideas and inspiration, that driving urge to write and through that discover all about the characters and worlds that have gripped my heart. And I decided a long time ago, even back when I was still writing with that passion and all the people around me wanted to be writers when they grew up, that I never wanted to be a writer, if only because I didn't want to have to write. I think it's a very valid reason.

On the other hand, it does feel bad to just quit writing and leave the stories I started unfinished. Because the characters might not be alive, but in my head, they are. They're just as living and breathing as the next stranger and a whole lot more dear and close to me because they're always there. You know them and they're people you interact with. Not so much in real life maybe, but they are in your head (which makes them a lot harder to get rid of, if you ask me).
No matter if they're OCs or fanfic characters, over the course of writing them, exploring them, finding out their stories, they've become a part of  you. I don't think there's much wrong with that. At the very most, it makes you a little less lonely and a little less bored.

I often wonder how people get by without these worlds and characters that I carry in my head. When I can't seem to access them, too wiped out mentally by my studies, too taken up by something else or maybe just too driven to make them come out no matter what, that's when I feel lonely. I might not write them much anymore, but they are still there. They have their lives and their stories and those half-finished tales nag at me. It feels like I have these friends, these people who take care of me when I'm having a hard time, and all they ask of me is to write down what they tell me. When I don't do that...

Some people might call me crazy for the things I've just written. Some might call me an insufferable dreamer. Maybe I'm a bit of both. But this is how I got through three years of relentless bullying in elementary school. This is how I managed to get over that same experience. This is how I didn't go mindnumbingly bored when I was in highschool and the stuff they taught me was WAY too easy for me.

In a way, I think I just don't need it as much anymore and so my characters step back, make place and time and energy so that I can meet the next challenge coming up; Becoming someone who makes a different in this world. Someone who can meet the world head on and do all the things that are required now that weren't back than.

In a way it was a choice; either do university, step into the big scary real world, find a place there that satisfies me and find the magic in that, or do some lower form of education, find a less satisfying job and maybe do something that isn't as interesting, but keep hold of the magic that's in my head. There's only so much of mental resources and there is no place for both.

It's a choice everyone who starts writing has to make, I think. [ profile] midas_greenwood  made the other choice. She gave up on studying Japanese and decided to write. And hey, it's a choice I can understand. I miss the inspiration and energy of really being inspired and I know I'd get that back if I gave myself a break.
That same break would shoot down three and a half years of hard work though, so I'm not going there.

And who knows, maybe in a few years or 20 or 45 (when I'm supposedly retiring), I will catch that break and I will start writing again, every day, for days on end, because I have the energy and time and feeling for it. For now though, I'm satisfied with the choice I made, and I'm willing to let my characters take a backseat from world-saving while I go and save the world myself (or possibly, hopefully, a few people who live in it).

Don't get me wrong. Writers save people too. And not just the people in their minds. Writers saved my world, back in elementary school. They save other's every day. And that's another reason that makes it a hard choice. But who knows, some day...

I won't stop writing completely. When inspiration grabs me I still write a drabble or a short fic here and there. Maybe even a slightly longer one. I'm not about to force it though. And in the mean while you guys get to enjoy my endless going on about reallife and how it sucks sometimes. Like my bachelor thesis. My bachelor thesis sucks big time. That's another story though.

Mood:: 'contemplative' contemplative
location: My New Desk


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