ginnyvos: Tiana (Butterfly Dancing)
posted by [personal profile] ginnyvos at 01:21pm on 27/09/2011 under ,
I have... Not had the easiest life one might have. I've been through a lot of things and if you make a pro's and cons list I'm pretty sure it'd end in the negative... And yet...

And yet when I look back, I feel I've had a happy childhood.

Because, and really, these are words I've lived by since I was too young to understand that I was; life is what you make it.

Being happy, having a happy life, isn't about good or bad things happening. It's about what you do to deal with them. It's about choosing to have a glass half-full rather than half-empty. And yes, I say choosing. Because this is a choice. It's a choice I make each and every time something sucky happens. Feel crappy, get a hug, reletivate, find the humour, laugh about it and move on. Cherish the good and not the bad.

It's a lesson some people in my life right now might do well learning. It's frustrating to see them focussing on the bad and let all the good just slip away. It's even more frustrating that they won't or can't let me help them see it. They'll get through it though :)
Mood:: 'pensive' pensive
Music:: Sara Bareilles
ginnyvos: Tiana (Butterfly watching you)
posted by [personal profile] ginnyvos at 02:50pm on 04/07/2011 under ,
My mom has taken up doing crisis fostercare a while back (basically means they call you to ask if you have the space and time to have another fosterkid and somewhere between an hour and a couple of days later there's the kid standing on your doorstep. They usually stay between 3 and 6 months, although officially they aren't supposed to stay for more than 3 months while stuff gets sorted out and either they return home, or move on to a permanent fosterfamily. Hardly ever happens in time, sadly.)

Right now, she has two brothers of 8 and 10, who'll move back home after summer. They are genuinely sweet boys, but have very obviously grown up in the lowest social class of society. It's very interesting to see them adapt to our family which is, while not upper class, higher middle class at least.

A while back, we were all watching the news and there was an item about the legalisation of gay-marriage in New York. I reacted happily and my mom nodded her approval. One of them asked why it was necessary to let retards or idiots marry. Turns out they only knew it as a insult. Obviously, I explained it to them and we got to talk about how it's really pretty normal for a boy to fall in love with a boy and a girl to fall in love with a girl, and that it would be really mean not to let them marry, since they loved each other. I think they did get the gist of it.

Sometimes I forget how incredibly lucky I am to have grown up in the family I grew up with. Had I been born into, say, the family those two boys come from, I wouldn't have been half the woman I am now. Oftentimes when judging people for the way they act and think, we forget that we are shaped by our past. It's not those kids' fault that they're so ignorant, but if I'd caught either of them using 'homo' as an insult, he'd get a very stern talking to in the very least. If he was 10 years older than he's now and I'd caught him using it as an insult, I'd have looked down on him, judged him or gotten pretty damn angry. But how the hell is he to know that it's wrong if no one explains to him why it's perfectly normal for people to be homosexual and that there's nothing insulting about being 'homo'?
Mood:: 'aggravated' aggravated
Music:: Exquisse - Hungrois gu'on danse
ginnyvos: Tiana (A naaien muis)
posted by [personal profile] ginnyvos at 06:55pm on 03/04/2011 under ,
 For starters; Between May and September last year I lost 15 kilo's. Since September I've gained 5 back. So no, in the last couple of months I have not lost weight. As a matter of fact, I've gained! Yet, especially the last couple of months, I've been asked if I'd lost weight more often than in the months that I was actually losing weight. You can imagine both my surprise and my amusement and, scientist/psychologist that I am, I wanted to figure out why.

Except for weight, I've gained some other things though. Mainly a bucket load of self-confidence. Ever since I started my internship two months ago, I've been feeling a lot better about myself and the world at large. I feel better about my ability to make it in the world, to realize my ambitions and dreams and just generally to make it in the big scary 'adult world'. This 'feeling good about yourself' thing seems to have spilled over into other areas of my life as well and I think in general you could say I just feel a lot better at home in my own skin.

And it shows. I stand up straight, hold my head up high and my shoulders righted because I Am Good. I Am (as a matter if fact) Awesome. And Screw You if you don't agree. This has nothing to do with weight whatsoever. Had I not lost those 15 (now 10) kilos I'm sure the same thing would have applied... And people would still be asking me if I lost weight.
Mood:: 'amused' amused
ginnyvos: Tiana (Butterfly Dancing)
posted by [personal profile] ginnyvos at 11:50pm on 05/05/2010 under ,
Today is the 5th of May and in the Netherlands, this is the day we celebrate our freedom and remember what freedom means.  I would love to hear what it means to you as well.

Today exactly 65 years ago the Netherlands was freed from the German reign and this denoted the end of World War II. Yesterday we remembered the people who died in wars across the globe. Today we remember that we are free and have a lot to be incredible grateful for. Freedom. It's magnificent and beautiful and too big to behold and freighting and never complete but so, so necessary.

Freedom for me is the freedom to be me, to have my own opinions and my own thoughts, and the freedom to be a woman, a dreamer, a student, a bi-sexual, a human-being, not religious,  and everything else. Freedom is the freedom to make mistakes and the freedom to speak up and have a voice in how things run, no matter how small. Freedom however, is also the freedom to stay quiet, the freedom not to get involved, the freedom to be different and not be judged for it. Most of all maybe, freedom is the freedom not to think about freedom constantly.

Freedom however, is also responsibility. Freedom, to me, is the responsibility to use that freedom but to never stand in the way of someone elses freedom. And because of this, freedom is never absolute.

My sister just said; Freedom is the freedom to be who you want to be, not so much to do whatever you want to do because it isn't, but purely to be the person you want to be.

I thought it was an incredibly striking and wise thoughts and so I included it here.
Mood:: 'contemplative' contemplative
location: The Netherlands, Europe, Earth
Music:: John Barrowman - Time after Time
ginnyvos: Tiana (Butterfly dreaming)
posted by [personal profile] ginnyvos at 11:23pm on 24/08/2009 under
Random Note: I can't be reached by phone right now.

Once upon a time, I used to be a girl who was very good at getting into other people's minds. I've always been a little too empathic and I've always been good at 'figuring people out'. People would praise me for it and told me I'd make a great psychologist. They would come to me if they had problems and I'd listen them out and, if I could, help them figure it out to my best ability. It was something I felt right doing. So, I went to study psychology at uni.

These days, I'm the obnoxious and scary psychology student who uses her evil powers of psychology-fu, mysteriously obtained during three years of reading books to look into other people's minds and haunt them with it.

Yet, I do nothing different from three years ago.

Yes, I did learn a lot in those three years. I learned a lot of statistics. I learned a lot of facts about human behaviour. I learned a lot of theories that attempt to explain those facts. What I didn't learn and don't think can be taught by books (and nothing else, because a bachelors degree in psychology is nothing but book knowledge) is to understand people much better than I already did. I might be able to name the things I see better, but that's about it.

Even so, it seems that whenever I mention the fact that I study psychology to some people, they get scared and will hardly talk to me. That, or they treat me like I'm way above them, which I'm definately not. So much so, that I have the tendency to lie about it at the daycare centers I temp at and often say I'm still in elementary teacher school instead of uni.

Whenever I make an observation that hits home these days, it seems like every time, people accuse me of psychoanalyzing them. Accuse is the right word here as well; the way it's said is like I'm doing something bad, my sister once described it as if they thought I was violating their privacy. Like I was looking into their head or something. My brother, for one, is particularly good at that.

This is something that bothers me a lot and has bothered me for some time. I don't want to be intimidating. I believe strongly in the idea that everyone has the same value to the world, be they smart or mentally retarded or just plain ordinairy, no matter their age, race, or what they did with their lives. Being in university doesn't make me better than anyone. All it does is help me prepare for what I want to do the rest of my life; Help people, children in particular, to live up to their potential and, most of all, live lives that will make them happy. Seeing people happy and having contributed to that makes me incredibly happy in return. Does that make me a better person?  No. In the end everyone is selfish and so am I.

I want to help people be happy because it happens to make me happy. If doing administration is something you like doing, than that's great (after all, I wouldn't want to do that job... Ever, so I'm really glad there's people who do want that). Same goes for a LOT of other professions.

Bottomline, it really bothers me to be looked up to or intimidate people just because I do a certain type of school. It bothers me even more when that school is thrown back in my face like it's some kind of insult when earlier having those skills was something I could be proud of.

My sister has a similar problem because she's about to start studying medicine in a week... And she's not even started. What is it with people and being so intimidated by the fact that others do a certain type of education? 

Music:: Metric - The Police And The Private
Mood:: 'annoyed' annoyed
location: Bunschoten, the Netherlands
ginnyvos: Tiana (FMA Ed Al sleepy)
posted by [personal profile] ginnyvos at 11:06am on 05/07/2009 under , ,
Random Note: Weird to think about

Alright, so I was thinking... And yes, that's hardly ever a good thing.

Either way, most of you guys know I'm dyslectic. Essentially this means that my language procession in general and my reading and writing in specific is just slightly different from that of normal people.

Now this question might sound odd but my question is this:
How do normal people read?

I know how I read myself; I litterally read out loud inside my head. That also means I can't read any faster than you speak. It means interpunction is very important because that's how my inner voice pronounces a sentence and that, when reading out loud, I read at exactly the same pace as I talk, and I can't read ahead while speaking.

For years on end I've thought that's how everyone reads. Now I found out that it isn't. So there you go. How do you read?

Mood:: 'curious' curious
location: garden table
ginnyvos: What's on the end of the rainbow? ... Gay People, duh! (A Rainbow)
posted by [personal profile] ginnyvos at 02:12pm on 04/04/2009 under ,
So because I'm avoiding studying for my upcoming exams quite bored, you get more than one post a day.

When I was thinking about how I liked sewing and I had liked it since fourth grade in highschool when I made my first skirt, an imagine of a child-sized pink and white sewing-machine that I moved hell and earth to get my hands on  and that really worked came to mind. I must've been six or somesuch, and I pestered my mom for leftover fabric of which I made clothes for my dolls. In the end the thing broke and I didn't sew again until I was sixteen and wanted a skirt that I couldn't find anywhere in the stores.
So does the past never stop haunting you? Or did I simply never grow out of it? Dunno, but I have to wonder....
 I SO need a sewing icon.
Music:: One Piece - Brook - Binks No Sake
Mood:: 'blank' blank
ginnyvos: Tiana (Butterfly dreaming)
Random Note:  Colds suck. Big time. I'm going dancing anyway, so there!

This was written in the first place as a response to an entry by [ profile] scribblemoose, who, in my opinion, is one of the better writers out there. It was about writing, and how the pull of being a professional writer some day was gone, and how she didn't miss writing so much as the urge to write, which is something I can relate with very much. In the end it turned into one of those huge things that spin out of control and you're embarassed to spam others with... So I decided to edit it a bit and put it here.

I think the observation of missing the urge to write more than the writing itself is pretty accurate to be honest. I think I'm quite the same. I really miss that unending flow of ideas and inspiration, that driving urge to write and through that discover all about the characters and worlds that have gripped my heart. And I decided a long time ago, even back when I was still writing with that passion and all the people around me wanted to be writers when they grew up, that I never wanted to be a writer, if only because I didn't want to have to write. I think it's a very valid reason.

On the other hand, it does feel bad to just quit writing and leave the stories I started unfinished. Because the characters might not be alive, but in my head, they are. They're just as living and breathing as the next stranger and a whole lot more dear and close to me because they're always there. You know them and they're people you interact with. Not so much in real life maybe, but they are in your head (which makes them a lot harder to get rid of, if you ask me).
No matter if they're OCs or fanfic characters, over the course of writing them, exploring them, finding out their stories, they've become a part of  you. I don't think there's much wrong with that. At the very most, it makes you a little less lonely and a little less bored.

I often wonder how people get by without these worlds and characters that I carry in my head. When I can't seem to access them, too wiped out mentally by my studies, too taken up by something else or maybe just too driven to make them come out no matter what, that's when I feel lonely. I might not write them much anymore, but they are still there. They have their lives and their stories and those half-finished tales nag at me. It feels like I have these friends, these people who take care of me when I'm having a hard time, and all they ask of me is to write down what they tell me. When I don't do that...

Some people might call me crazy for the things I've just written. Some might call me an insufferable dreamer. Maybe I'm a bit of both. But this is how I got through three years of relentless bullying in elementary school. This is how I managed to get over that same experience. This is how I didn't go mindnumbingly bored when I was in highschool and the stuff they taught me was WAY too easy for me.

In a way, I think I just don't need it as much anymore and so my characters step back, make place and time and energy so that I can meet the next challenge coming up; Becoming someone who makes a different in this world. Someone who can meet the world head on and do all the things that are required now that weren't back than.

In a way it was a choice; either do university, step into the big scary real world, find a place there that satisfies me and find the magic in that, or do some lower form of education, find a less satisfying job and maybe do something that isn't as interesting, but keep hold of the magic that's in my head. There's only so much of mental resources and there is no place for both.

It's a choice everyone who starts writing has to make, I think. [ profile] midas_greenwood  made the other choice. She gave up on studying Japanese and decided to write. And hey, it's a choice I can understand. I miss the inspiration and energy of really being inspired and I know I'd get that back if I gave myself a break.
That same break would shoot down three and a half years of hard work though, so I'm not going there.

And who knows, maybe in a few years or 20 or 45 (when I'm supposedly retiring), I will catch that break and I will start writing again, every day, for days on end, because I have the energy and time and feeling for it. For now though, I'm satisfied with the choice I made, and I'm willing to let my characters take a backseat from world-saving while I go and save the world myself (or possibly, hopefully, a few people who live in it).

Don't get me wrong. Writers save people too. And not just the people in their minds. Writers saved my world, back in elementary school. They save other's every day. And that's another reason that makes it a hard choice. But who knows, some day...

I won't stop writing completely. When inspiration grabs me I still write a drabble or a short fic here and there. Maybe even a slightly longer one. I'm not about to force it though. And in the mean while you guys get to enjoy my endless going on about reallife and how it sucks sometimes. Like my bachelor thesis. My bachelor thesis sucks big time. That's another story though.

location: My New Desk
Mood:: 'contemplative' contemplative
ginnyvos: Tiana (WA huh?)
posted by [personal profile] ginnyvos at 11:44pm on 03/05/2008 under
Random Note: They say curiosity killed the cat. I guess I should be glad I'm not a cat than.

I wonder...
I wonder a lot of things, really. I think about a lot of things. When I was younger, my mom would refer to me as the child of the thousand why's. Funny, since she is the type that takes things as they are and doesn't wonder why. Why. Always why.

"Why is the sky blue?" "Because that's the color it is." "Yes but  why?" "There is no reason." "There has to be a reason right?" "No." "Oh... Than why is grass green? And why does it grow? Why is a table called a table and not a chair? Why Is a chair called a chair and not a djnhgo? And why do we call it a stoel while others call it a chair? Why do people move? Why do people lie? Why is the sun in the sky? Why does it turn day and night? Why..." Try explaining those things to a four-year old. I must've given her a lot of headaches. "I don't know."

I once read that the true philosopher is the person who can see the same sight a thousand times and still see it as if it was the first time. Who can hear the same thing a thousand times and still question it. If that's true, than I'm surely one of them. I might not ask them as much, now, knowing the ways to find the answers by my self, but I still question. I never did find out why we see the sky as blue. I did find out why grass is green. It's not as much the difference in language that puzzles me now, as it is the existence of language itself. The more I learn, the more questions I have to ask, the more answers to seek out. Psychology is the perfect study for me, for humans, to me, are the greatest wonder of all. Why do they act as they do? Why the differences? Why the similarities? Why one person and not the other? Why one moment and not another? Why...?



Why isn't everyone completely baffled by just how well the world works? Why doesn't everyone want to find out?

I don't know. I might never find out. I don't think I'll ever stop asking though.
Music:: Faun - Rosmarin
ginnyvos: Tiana (Default)
posted by [personal profile] ginnyvos at 05:23pm on 27/01/2008 under , ,

Take this test!

While the Unitarian Universalists have mixed beliefs about the existence of God, they tend to share the belief that there is something to be learned from every world religion. By accepting differences between individual spiritual beliefs, Unitarian Universalists come together under a few broad and inclusive moral ideologies. They pass their beliefs from generation to generation through their church's literature and their teachings, both of which draw on many of the major spiritual texts from a variety of religions.

Typically open-minded and intellectual, Unitarian Universalists encourage individual exploration of many different spiritual truths. They also tend to be politically liberal.

This is actually a pretty perfect describtion of my 'religion'. I can't follow any one religion; I always find inconsistensies and have problems just taking others on their word when they say something without further evidence. Rather, to me religion should be more like a way of life.
What I do is explore many different religions, think about them, learn about them, take what I find interesting, good and purposeful and leave the rest behind. I was born in a country that is traditionally Christian, raised by a mother with no one religion but a quite strong spirituality, have a whole bunch of pagan friends, am rather interested in eastern religions on my own accord, starred in the hard sciences at school and am currently taking education in psychology (and if religion tells you about anything, it's about people, in my oppinion).

Enough influences to make up a whole that doesn't really suit any one religion... So I just go on on my own believes and experiences, learn new things and change my views (religion if you may) accordingly. I'd love to find a church that supports this rather than pressing its ideas on you if only because I'd love to discuss my views with others and hear their views.
Music:: The Tribe - The Dream Must Stay Alive
Mood:: 'pensive' pensive
location: Kringsja



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