ginnyvos: Tiana (Butterfly Dancing)
2011-09-27 01:21 pm
Entry tags:

the good, the bad and the choice

I have... Not had the easiest life one might have. I've been through a lot of things and if you make a pro's and cons list I'm pretty sure it'd end in the negative... And yet...

And yet when I look back, I feel I've had a happy childhood.

Because, and really, these are words I've lived by since I was too young to understand that I was; life is what you make it.

Being happy, having a happy life, isn't about good or bad things happening. It's about what you do to deal with them. It's about choosing to have a glass half-full rather than half-empty. And yes, I say choosing. Because this is a choice. It's a choice I make each and every time something sucky happens. Feel crappy, get a hug, reletivate, find the humour, laugh about it and move on. Cherish the good and not the bad.

It's a lesson some people in my life right now might do well learning. It's frustrating to see them focussing on the bad and let all the good just slip away. It's even more frustrating that they won't or can't let me help them see it. They'll get through it though :)
ginnyvos: Tiana (Butterfly watching you)
2011-07-04 02:50 pm
Entry tags:

Ignorance

My mom has taken up doing crisis fostercare a while back (basically means they call you to ask if you have the space and time to have another fosterkid and somewhere between an hour and a couple of days later there's the kid standing on your doorstep. They usually stay between 3 and 6 months, although officially they aren't supposed to stay for more than 3 months while stuff gets sorted out and either they return home, or move on to a permanent fosterfamily. Hardly ever happens in time, sadly.)

Right now, she has two brothers of 8 and 10, who'll move back home after summer. They are genuinely sweet boys, but have very obviously grown up in the lowest social class of society. It's very interesting to see them adapt to our family which is, while not upper class, higher middle class at least.

A while back, we were all watching the news and there was an item about the legalisation of gay-marriage in New York. I reacted happily and my mom nodded her approval. One of them asked why it was necessary to let retards or idiots marry. Turns out they only knew it as a insult. Obviously, I explained it to them and we got to talk about how it's really pretty normal for a boy to fall in love with a boy and a girl to fall in love with a girl, and that it would be really mean not to let them marry, since they loved each other. I think they did get the gist of it.

Sometimes I forget how incredibly lucky I am to have grown up in the family I grew up with. Had I been born into, say, the family those two boys come from, I wouldn't have been half the woman I am now. Oftentimes when judging people for the way they act and think, we forget that we are shaped by our past. It's not those kids' fault that they're so ignorant, but if I'd caught either of them using 'homo' as an insult, he'd get a very stern talking to in the very least. If he was 10 years older than he's now and I'd caught him using it as an insult, I'd have looked down on him, judged him or gotten pretty damn angry. But how the hell is he to know that it's wrong if no one explains to him why it's perfectly normal for people to be homosexual and that there's nothing insulting about being 'homo'?
ginnyvos: Tiana (A naaien muis)
2011-04-03 06:55 pm
Entry tags:

Have you lost weight?

 For starters; Between May and September last year I lost 15 kilo's. Since September I've gained 5 back. So no, in the last couple of months I have not lost weight. As a matter of fact, I've gained! Yet, especially the last couple of months, I've been asked if I'd lost weight more often than in the months that I was actually losing weight. You can imagine both my surprise and my amusement and, scientist/psychologist that I am, I wanted to figure out why.

Except for weight, I've gained some other things though. Mainly a bucket load of self-confidence. Ever since I started my internship two months ago, I've been feeling a lot better about myself and the world at large. I feel better about my ability to make it in the world, to realize my ambitions and dreams and just generally to make it in the big scary 'adult world'. This 'feeling good about yourself' thing seems to have spilled over into other areas of my life as well and I think in general you could say I just feel a lot better at home in my own skin.

And it shows. I stand up straight, hold my head up high and my shoulders righted because I Am Good. I Am (as a matter if fact) Awesome. And Screw You if you don't agree. This has nothing to do with weight whatsoever. Had I not lost those 15 (now 10) kilos I'm sure the same thing would have applied... And people would still be asking me if I lost weight.
ginnyvos: Tiana (Default)
2011-03-19 12:25 pm
Entry tags:

On the topic of "Aw fuck, I did NOT just say that..."

Thursday we had a congress and since the company I do my internship at is among the organizers I got to go for free. Yay! Cool speakers, amazingly luxury food and even a cool certificate by the end. The topic was multiculturalism in mental health care, so interesting too.

One of the workshops was given by my direct boss and one of the other psychologists from my division and of course I got planned in with them. So basically we were talking about the differences between how an 11 year old Moroccan boy might see my white, male boss and Moroccan, female colleague.
 
Yeah.  And of course I have to be the one to come out and say "White, older, man". The whole room was in stitches. He turned right red. And my mouth, without consulting my brain, decided to dig the grave a little deeper and tell him; "Well, you're not twenty anymore..."
ginnyvos: Tiana (Butterfly Dancing)
2011-03-12 11:16 am
Entry tags:

Saturday morning sunshine

 Am sitting on my balcony in my PJ's enjoying the morning (alright almost midday) sun and not being cold... Gods I love spring. <3

Spring, lazy Saturday mornings, sun, chocolate, tea, a balcony facing south and friends... Life doesn't get much better form here.

So what are you doing this fine Saturday morning?
ginnyvos: Tiana (PMK Sucks to be me)
2011-03-03 09:43 pm
Entry tags:

I'm scared

Alright, so I'm bloody terrified.

Right now I'm reformatting and reinstalling my notebook from my friend's external harddrive... It's like giving up your baby girl  to some experimental treatment that might make its quality of life that much better... And might just kill it.

....
....
....
.... Oh and by the way, you'll need to do the surgery yourself with only a vague idea of where the heart and lungs are supposed to be.
ginnyvos: Tiana (Default)
2011-02-18 10:55 am
Entry tags:

The things one gets done while procrastinating

I should be in the library reading articles for my thesis all day. So far today I have...

- Folded old laundry
- Sorted out new laundry and put in the machine
- polished my nails with so-called caring nailpolish
- Cleaned up room to a level of neatness it hasn't been since I moved in
- Sorted out paperwork and put it in order of importance
- Cleaned up my bags (what was my D4 dice doing in my backpack? :S)
- Sorted my bookcases in attempt to make them adapt to books beyond their capacity
- Finished book I'd been lying around with the last couple of pages unread for over a month
- Gathered stuff to back my weekend back
- Emailed friends+housemates with a proposition about dinner tonight
- Hung out on facebook
- Put away trash
- Filled bucket with water for cleaning my room (off to do that now!)

Hey, most of this stuff did need to get done and has been in need of getting done for ages! Seems not wanting to do something else is the best way to get there?

(Not half as much as the work on my masterthesis but one can't have anything).
ginnyvos: Tiana (Default)
2011-02-17 08:42 am
Entry tags:

Spring

I know many of you can still bathe in snow, but here the first signs of spring are starting to show. The sun is shining more often, the temperatures don't go under 0 during the day and, most important, green buts and the first flowers of spring are breaking earth and bark. These couple of weeks, when winter is still trying to cling on but spring is undermining it in more and more ways, is always glorious.

It seems to me that the length of seasons is just right; just long enough for me to be incredibly grateful that the next one is coming, but never long enough to get so throughly sick of them that I will not be looking forward to them next year.
ginnyvos: Tiana (Butterfly dreaming)
2011-02-14 08:22 am
Entry tags:

Happy monday morning

It's monday morning, 8 o'clock, I'm at the station waiting for the train to get to my internship and I am absolutely content.

Had a wonderful quiet weekend staying over at my friends' place. We did nothing but watch Glee, House and the movie Evita, play games, dance a bit and just relax. I needed a weekend to recharge and I did.

My mom went to Germany for a long weekend with my siblings and it's been ages since I saw her as refreshed as when she came home yesterday. Since she's been borderline burned out for over a year now that was about as energizing as the whole rest of the weekend put together.

Btw, happy valentines to those of you who celebrate!

Ok, gonna stop typing now; my hands are freezing!
ginnyvos: Tiana (Saiyuki Gojyo Hakkai kiss)
2011-02-04 10:02 pm
Entry tags:

*gasp*




The best gifts are often the ones you never asked for... I got a mysterious package in the mail and... Wow. Just wow. [livejournal.com profile] draelynnthered , words words fail me. Thank you so, so, so very much. Seriously... She made me this gorgeous little Gojyo out of felt (that's what I think it is in English anyway)! He's absolutely adorable and the crappy picture really doesn't do him justice... He's hanging above my bed now and... Well <3, just <3. Thank you so, so much.

Also, much too late but no less heart-felt; Thank everyone who sent me christmas cards. They have held a place of honour in my bookcase until just today, and I loved getting them even if I didn't have the time and energy to send my own this year.
ginnyvos: Tiana (Busgamer Dork)
2011-01-14 01:37 pm

Reality sinks in... Somewhat.

I just finished the last class and the last lecture of my complete academic education. What. The. Fuck.

I just realized this an hour ago, you should know. In one week, I'll hand in the theoretical introduction to my masters thesis. Two weeks from now I'll have my last exam and with that I finish the complete theoretic part of my education. To my mind this is absurt. I don't know what I'll do! No more books that I need to learn by heart, no more courses and weekly classes and lectures, no more exams to study for... Just internship and research. Both are so completely different from what I've been doing up till now...

Come monday I have an introductionairy meeting for a possible internship. If this comes through, I'll be done with my masters by the end of august. In half a year, I won't be a student anymore. Me. Not a student. It's not really sinking in. I'm not really sure what to feel about it either.

On a completely different note: I tried lindyhop swing for the first time last weekend and doing an introductionairy weekend come weekend. So far it's loads of fun! :D
ginnyvos: What's on the end of the rainbow? ... Gay People, duh! (A Rainbow)
2010-11-30 05:22 pm
Entry tags:

Watch out Netherlands...

I have my driverslicense!

I can still barely believe it but... Oh my god I HAVE it! It's done! After over a year of seemingly endless lessons, dispairing if I'd ever learn, lesson after lesson after lesson after lesson, a horrid examiner for my first test... I passed my drivers test today!

I got it on my second try, which is no more than average, really. I can pick it up at city hall Wednesday next week and then... Then I can borrow my mom's car (lovingly christened 'the cooky jar' by my housemates) and drive... on my own... for real!

It's still unbelievable.
ginnyvos: Tiana (Butterfly dreaming)
2010-10-02 11:17 pm
Entry tags:

One last night in my old room

Almost everything I own is packed in the back of a mini-van parked in front of the house... It's an incredibly odd idea.

Right now I'm lying on a mattress on the floor in a room with nothing in it but a desk that's been taken apart, two empty bookcases, a radio and one bag full of Stuff That I Forgot To Pack. For tonight, this is still my room. Tomorrow night... Tomorrow night I'll be writing you a post from Utrecht and not Bunschoten, from a room that I've slept in before it became My Room, that, as of today, has light green walls, and as of tomorrow will have white furniture and way too much stuff in it for a space of only 8 square meters.

I'm incredibly excited to finally move out and even more excited because I'll be moving in with [livejournal.com profile] h_johanna  and R., two of the closest friends I have. I know the house, I know the people and I've lived on my own before only a lot further from home. It's going to be great, it really is.

Anyone who wants my new address, let me know!
ginnyvos: Tiana (Butterfly dreaming)
2010-09-12 01:58 am
Entry tags:

I am moving out! :D

It's true! After searching for student housing on and off for years and very intensively since April or so, I have a room!

Better yet, I'll be living with two of my best friends at a perfect location (right between the university campus and city center, no more than a 10 minute bike-ride from either one). Yes, the room is fairly small, but I think I'll manage without problem if I do some smart home planning! Also, did I mention I'll be living with two of the most wonderful girls I know? :D

I am out of my mind with excitement! I need to tell everyone. I need to scream it to the world! And it's near two o'clock in the morning so except for waking up my mom, I have very few people to tell. Bugger.


Either way, this is something that has been in the works for a while now, getting more and more serious. I didn't dare tell too many people until I was absolutely sure though!

Man, I still can't believe it! Much as I love my mom and my siblings, I've been capable of living on my own for years now, have lived on my own for half a year in fact and I am so. Glad. To be. OUT. More than that though, I'm looking forward to living close to my friends and my hobbies and to not always having to be the one that goes home early or has to beg a sleeping spot off someone. That sounds... Well... Wonderful, frankly!

Utrecht, here I come! :D

Now if only I could figure out how I am going to get to sleep...
 
ginnyvos: Tiana (Butterfly Dancing)
2010-07-02 03:36 pm

An update. Also, anyone play pokemon around here?

Hey everyone,

First and foremost; excuse me for not updating for so long. Life has been wacky and busy and life-y, so there.

And then, because I know at least one or two of you are interested (and if you're not, feel free to skip) a pointwise summery of life: )

As for pokemon:
- I'm also playing a LOT of pokemon right now. Also, I found out how to use my pokemon wi-fi thingy... Does anyone have friend-codes they want to share?
- Professor Oak says: Hmhm... You've caught 177 so far... As you know, there are pokemon that eventually evolve. That's an important thing to concider when you're filling your pokedex.

And, because I've been meaning to do this for a while, an update on my Quest for Quiet )
ginnyvos: Tiana (saiyuki Goku living)
2010-06-09 11:51 pm
Entry tags:

I'm scared

I really am. I don't know how many people around here follow international politics. The Netherlands voted today. Almost 15% of the Dutch people voted for Geert Wilders and the PVV and I am scared.

I am frightened by him. Geert Wilders is intelligent, idealistic, charismatic, racist and not scared to use every dirty trick in the book and a couple of new ones. He uses tactics that I have come to associate with Adolf Hitler in the early 1930's.

Geert Wilders targets the Islam, and paints it like the Islamic religion in itself is a source of evil. He makes it seem like all Muslims are terrorists or criminals, like the crisis is their fault and like the Dutch culture is being ruined or at the very least threatened by each and every Muslim living in this country. He makes it seem like violence is the answer. He makes it seem justified to discriminate against Muslim people or even to use violence in whatever form against them. He is ruthless, racist and seemingly without empathy.

This is a man that blames the economic crisis on a group of people, based on their religion. He uses people's fears and worries and does not only use them, but also actively works to enlarge them. He makes Muslims the scapegoats of society, and nevermind the effects of his actions on thousands of lifes of people, people my age, whose grandparents came here and who have never known anything but the Netherlands, but have now firmly been labled 'foreigners'.

Yes, I am scared. I am scared because this is a freightning man, but I am even more scared because 3 in every 20 people think he is right. I am terrified by that but I am also very, very disappointed in my country.

What also scares me is that in the future, people will associate me with hate for Muslims on account of my being from the country where this man became so big. I am scared that people will only see those 15% who are in their own right extremist, and forget that more than half of the people actively did NOT vote for Wilders. You might think it's a far fear, but isn't that exactly what Geert Wilders has done for the Muslims? He's taken a minority and made it the prime example of what all Muslims are like.

I am scared.
ginnyvos: Tiana (Butterfly Dancing)
2010-05-31 03:32 pm
Entry tags:

When things are low, the only way to go is up

... ... There is a rabbit the size of a small dog walking around in our house and making a mess of my mom's knitting. I knew my household was crazy, but this is bordering on Alice Anne in Wonderland.

So a bit of a follow-up on my last post.

A very, very nice lady found my wallet, called the police and they put her through to my house. All my cards were still there and even the 30 cent(!!!) that was still in it, was there. I was incredibly happy.

On financial news; I went from being completely and utterly broke to actually having a LOT of money. I still have debts but I have money to pay 10 more drivinglessons (which is really a load off my shoulders) and 2/3 of the money I need to go dancing in France come summer. I also got to work two days last week so I get payed for that as well and when that happens I'll have all the money I need for my trip to France. Eight days of dancing, here I come! <3
ginnyvos: Tiana (PMK Sucks to be me)
2010-05-25 03:15 pm
Entry tags:

Bad luck day

Random Note: It's not often that I have cause to use this icon but today...

This morning, at a very full Amersfoort central station, someone bumped into me (hard, I didn't even see who it was either) and suddenly my wallet was gone.

My wallet with in it, my ATM-card, my ID-card, my public transport card, my student card, my house key and money. I was not a happy camper.

Later I got a phone call telling me that the last place I'd hoped for to run my apprentice ships didn't want me as an apprentice because they thought I was too young. I had a perfectly good interview, seemed very achieved for my age, had a lot of experience, but they picked two people four and five years older than me.

So here I am, at home, writing application letters for jobs that are very sparse (crisis and all that) and trying to figure out what the hell kind of jobs I should apply with only a bachelors degree at university level, with my wallet gone and a perfectly sunny day ruined by the fact that I am broke, and will be more broke, and am applying for jobs that are laying people off rather than taking them on. Damn, some days suck bad.

EDIT: Aaaaand we're not done for the day. Just got an email telling me I'm not allowed to do the mastercourses at a different time than my apprenticeships or take longer than exactly a year for my mastersdegree. The good news just keeps on coming...

Right now I'm looking at it with a detached sort of irony. EDIT2: Wow! My day just took a turn for the better! A very sweet lady found my wallet and called the police. They gave her my number and now I have it back! The passes and stuff are still in it! I'm so freaking relieved!
ginnyvos: Tiana (Butterfly Dancing)
2010-05-05 11:50 pm
Entry tags:

Freedom

Today is the 5th of May and in the Netherlands, this is the day we celebrate our freedom and remember what freedom means.  I would love to hear what it means to you as well.

Today exactly 65 years ago the Netherlands was freed from the German reign and this denoted the end of World War II. Yesterday we remembered the people who died in wars across the globe. Today we remember that we are free and have a lot to be incredible grateful for. Freedom. It's magnificent and beautiful and too big to behold and freighting and never complete but so, so necessary.


Freedom for me is the freedom to be me, to have my own opinions and my own thoughts, and the freedom to be a woman, a dreamer, a student, a bi-sexual, a human-being, not religious,  and everything else. Freedom is the freedom to make mistakes and the freedom to speak up and have a voice in how things run, no matter how small. Freedom however, is also the freedom to stay quiet, the freedom not to get involved, the freedom to be different and not be judged for it. Most of all maybe, freedom is the freedom not to think about freedom constantly.

Freedom however, is also responsibility. Freedom, to me, is the responsibility to use that freedom but to never stand in the way of someone elses freedom. And because of this, freedom is never absolute.


My sister just said; Freedom is the freedom to be who you want to be, not so much to do whatever you want to do because it isn't, but purely to be the person you want to be.

I thought it was an incredibly striking and wise thoughts and so I included it here.
ginnyvos: Tiana (Saiyuki Goku whii)
2010-04-19 12:42 am

Real life update/quest for quiet

Random Note: Sorry for the sudden radio-silence, real life got into the way

I didn't get accepted at either of the apprenticeship places. I'm pretty disappointed about the place I really liked, but at least my friend did get that place, which is always better than some random stranger! In the mean while I've been invited to an interview with another place which I really liked the sound of as well, so I'm not out of options or anything.

So... I now have a minor Youth and Delinquency (I'm pretty sure). The exam went great. It had open questions and I could answer just about all of them, so I'm not worried. We handed in our paper on Friday and I'm pretty sure that one turned out very good as well. One of the girls I worked with was great and between the two of us we wrote a pretty great paper. The paper wasn't really due until Friday next week, BUT. But finishing it now means one thing and one thing alone: I have a full week of vacation coming up! :D

So yesterday and today I sat outside, enjoyed the fact that we had the most gorgeous weather one can wish for in April, got my first sunburn, caught up with my f-list, watched the new Doctor Who episode (Matt Smith is awesome as the doctor, unexpectedly so actually. Karen makes a great companion and a very, very fun character and HELL she's hot. I think I liked last weeks ep better, but that's just me...) printed, put together, drew over and cut out the e-patterns I bought for the regency-era dress I 'm going to sew (or, more correctly, the underwear for said dress), helped my mom with gardening and just generally really, really enjoyed myself.

Quest for Quiet: A scary experience )